It’s my Birthday.

I often find myself feeling a little nostalgic on my birthday. A need to look back and testify to God’s grace over my life.

So let’s begin at the beginning.

I wasn’t supposed to survive birth. It’s a story I’ve heard dozens of times seeing as this part of my testimony is not one I can personally remember.

I wasn’t supposed to survive birth.

My mother nearly lost me on Easter Sunday 1985. I won’t go into details right now but, when asked by my father later, the doctor admitted that he didn’t see any reason why I survived that pregnancy, that when he had first seen them he would have given me a less then 5% chance of survival.

And yet God…

Later, when I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with Liver Disease. Specifically Autoimmune Hepatitis that had advanced as far as Cirrhosis. It was quite a shock. I remember googling Cirrhosis and seeing rather dismal outcomes. I wondered if I would live to see 25, if I would live to see 30. I met with transplant teams. I asked my doctor if I would ever be able to have children, if I would live.

He wouldn’t give me a prognosis. however he didn’t think I would be able to conceive.

But my condition stabilized. I remember that doctor called me Smiley whenever he saw me. Always impressed with my attitude.

I never needed the transplant, although I still live with Cirrhosis and have even increased my Autoimmune disease count…

And yet God…

Later, when I had my first child, giving all the doctors grey hair with worry, there was this moment when they were checking for complications…. I was fully prepped for emergency cesarean as my doctor looked for a condition in my esophageal veins that had been seen prior to my pregnancy, a condition that put me at risk of hemorrhaging. But as she looked she couldn’t find them. She couldn’t understand.

We heard later from a nurse that she proclaimed to the room, “They must be praying to the right God!”

I wasn’t even awake and yet my body testified.

Later when my daughter suffered complications from Neonatal Graves Disease and started out her life feeding tube dependent with labels like “failure to thrive” spoken over her, God proved again faithful.

She spent ten months on a feeding tube, her doctor said if I tried to ween her off it she would starve, that she wasn’t capable of eating herself.

I prayed hard, cried, took the risk.

She started eating that Christmas and never stopped.

Later again when I had my second pregancy with my son and my doctor said there was no safe way to deliver my child God was faithful.

Later again when both my children were diagnosed with Autism, when my daughter suffered debilitating anxiety and my son went year after year without words He was faithful.

When we moved to Texas, far away from friends and family, He was faithful.

He led us to a church that has been faithful to have teachers for my son so we wouldn’t be forced to not go.

He has been with us as we saw my son finally start to say some words, as we’ve seen my daughter grow and fight through her anxiety again and again to become a young teen that I am repeatedly complimented on for her fun and kind nature.

I am blessed every day by my son’s beautiful smile.

God has been faithful.

As we struggled with finances in a world that kept throwing up barriers to our dreams and goals.

We once found a check in our mailbox for a few thousand dollars right when we needed it. We still don’t know where it came from.

We are closing on our very first house next month.

I don’t know if my testimony is all that incredible, except it is to me.

You see, many might look at this testimony and only see that I still have cirrhosis… that my children still have autism, that my daughter still has anxiety and my son, although capable of some speech, is still considered mostly non-verbal.

People often look for flashy testimony, full of complete healing and huge financial blessing.

A testimony of steady faithfulness seems a little underwhelming in comparison.

God hasn’t ever removed the obstacles in my path, but He is faithful as I walk though them. He is even faithful when I am not. He is faithful when I get mad, when I get bitter, when I blame Him.

I’ll rail at Him, accuse, confront.

And He’ll quietly just stay steady.

I know that the only reason I’ve been able to walk this road is Him. He proves Himself over and over again as faithful, even as I prove myself faithless.

Just a few months ago I was railing at Him again over our finances and our house dreams and challenging Him to prove Himself, to move in our behalf. After all if I’m going to tithe even when it’s hard shouldn’t He step up?

He went and dropped a house on our head.

He guided us straight to a realtor to help with the process.

And just. Like. That.

It’s like I can feel Him laughing at me, but also loving me.

My testimony is never going to be “God made my life easy.”

This shtick is hard. It’s painful.

My testimony is simply that I’m still here.

41 this year and still here.

Still with the cirrhosis, the thyroid issues… I got a whole list of body parts that don’t seem to want to do their job… but in some weird way I’m actually pretty healthy.

Still with the kids fighting through severe Autism and Anxiety. Yet with giant smiles and love and beauty and fun and joy.

I’m still here.

So every birthday I’m going to keep up this testimony.

Testimony of the day I was born, when I shouldn’t have been.

Because messy testimony matters.