My daughters birthday was last week. My beautiful, sweet, kind little girl. She is now three and I’m already surprised by how fast and at the same time how slow time goes by. I wish I could grasp at time, and still it, and keep her longer.
But I have no control of time, and little control over my daughter and her life.
I want to be able to wrap her up in a blanket of love and safety, have her grow into the sort of person who understands what choices are best, keep her from pain.
But the truth is, I have so little real control over her, and really, I don’t want it.
I can’t tell you how many times in her short life I’ve been complimented on my sweet little girl. They compliment me on her personality, her kindness, and her sweet temper. I almost want to laugh. Oh if they only knew how little any of that had to do with me!
My daughter likes to clean, even though she also likes to make messes, but still, a three year old that will wipe up her spills seems impressive doesn’t it? But I never taught her to do that.
She likes to wash her hands, brush her teeth. She’ll actually ask, even demand, to do these things.
I never really taught her to do that either.
I never taught her to come pull up a blanket over me when I’m laying on the couch not feeling well, to kiss my head and tell me she loves me. Yet she does.
Sometimes I suspect that my daughter is a better mother than I am. Usually this supposition comes up as she comes up to me and asks to take a bath.
My grandmother was often blamed by other mothers for my uncles behavior. My uncles story is a rather sad one. Extremely ADHD and adopted from a young mother probably on some type of drugs, he was basically uncontrollable as a child. He grew quickly and was swiftly larger than all the other children, so if ever there was a confrontation with other children he was inevitably blamed and labeled a bully because he was bigger.
Growing up feeling unwanted because of his adoptive roots, and misunderstood because of his severe ADHD in an age where such things weren’t recognized, he turned to drugs.
Drugs followed him for nearly the rest of his life, until he died, just a couple months after my beautiful girl was born. He never was able to meet her.
For his whole life, my grandmother struggled not to blame herself. The voices of other mothers who would blame her for her uncontrollable child became her own voice, wondering if she could have done more.
But we have no control over our children’s lives. We have limited control over their circumstances during the time we raise them, we can try to teach them as best we can, discipline as best we can, love them as best we can, but in the end? We must let go of them, because honestly? They weren’t ours to begin with.
We could try to control them. We could try to dictate what and who they should be. We could set down laws and boundaries and coddle them to try to protect them from the harsh realities of the world. We will fail.
There is only one who can dictate life and death and circumstance and even personality over our child. Only Him who truly made them.
We carried them perhaps, our genes might have some part in who they are, our efforts some part in who they become, but He created them.
When we try to say that we did, that it’s by our will and efforts that they are the way they are, we set ourselves up as god in their life. Oh that we would never do so.
To realize that we are not in control over our children is frightening. We know all that could happen to them, and it can paralyze us with terror. But when we realize that someone Else has a hand in their life, it can be a freeing understanding.
I have only to do my absolute best by my daughter, and I intend to. But in the end, she is her own little person, and she is God’s child more than she will ever be mine.
And so I operate on a bit of a disconnect. Ever and always savoring these moments, as she grows, as she cuddles with me, as her adoring eyes turn to mine. But at the same time I hold myself steady, knowing that those adoring eyes need to turn ever higher, and though right now I have the privilege and honor of holding her in my arms, she is really in His.
So I laugh, I chuckle, part incredulous and part delight as people compliment me on this lovely little person I am raising. Knowing it has really very little to do with me.
It is so freeing to realize that at the end of the day, our kids belong to the Lord and they are His primary responsibility! Yes we are stewards, but no one cares about our children more than God! And He is faithful! Thank you for such a beautiful post!
It is freeing isn’t it! The world is a frightening place, and the idea that protecting them from EVERYTHING is all on us is just plain overwhelming… but it’s not all on us! The truth is bad things might happen to my girl. But even so, God has her in his hands, no matter what.
As a new mom, I needed to read this! Thanks so much. 🙂
Your welcome!!!
Thank you for sharing! She is a precious little girl! My four kids are now adults and I have two grandchildren, ages about 2 1/2 y.o. and about 7 m.o. I remember that feeling all too well of wishing I could exercise a little more control over my kids – especially to guide them into making better choices. But it has been freeing to me to have my now adult kids tell me that I did the best I could, given all the varying circumstances, and that decisions they made from their teen years on were THEIR decisions, and not on my shoulders (even though they still weighed on my heart!)
Exactly! I don’t know why I’ve come to realize how much isn’t in my control when my daughter is still so young. It’s not like I have so much experience. I think partly it was having her in the NICU for her first 12 weeks. It was all so out of my control! I just had to trust Him!
Awww, happy birthday little one! God is certainly leading her – what a blessing!
She is a Blessing! I’m so thankful to have her in my life! She’s such a beautiful little person! I know I’m biased, but I adore her! 😀
I’m so sorry to hear about your uncle. It’s so sad when people are misunderstood especially when they are children.
It was very sad. I was very concerned about how my Grandmother would take the news, (she’s ninety-one) but in some strange way she was relieved. His whole life everyone around him (my parents, his twin sister, my grandparents) fought for him, and loved him, yet somehow he couldn’t really see it.
It is both freeing and scary to realize how our children belong truly to God. As a mom of 5, I’ve heard many times how different my children are. That’s God’s work, not mine. They’ve been raised the same, and they all are very different.
I find it extremely sad how other people judge parents based on the behavior of a child. Prayers to your family on the loss of your uncle.
Thank you for your prayers. It’s been three years now, but I know the anniversary of his death is going to be hard for those closest to him, he had three sons, and a twin sister, as well as the rest of us.
Happy Birthday to your sweet girl! I often have the illusion that I have control over my little person but you are so right-God is in charge. This is freeing and terrifying to me. Good reminder though that, as you put it, “it has very little to do with me.”
🙂 control is an illusion! But it is a comforting illusion. lol!
It is hard sometimes to remember that we are only part of the equation when it comes to what/who our children will become. In the day to day craziness, we need to remind ourselves that God is in control. Thanks for this reminder.
Your welcome! 🙂
That is so sad about your uncle. I can’t imagine how hard that would be as a mother. I think about how I would feel if my boys don’t turn out “quite right”. All we can do is our best, and remember that our kids are responsible for their own choices.
It’s was always rather hard on my grandmother. She tried so hard for each of her children and grandchildren. Unfortunately my Uncle has not been the only one in that family with a drug problem… I grieve as I watch drugs destroy the lives of some of my cousins. Unfortunately there is only so much you can do…