I don’t understand me sometimes.
I’ll be doing so well, and then, crash!
Something in me falls down into a pit, and as much as I try, I just can’t seem to pull myself up out of it.
Is this depression? I don’t think I feel depressed.
Just… some kind of loss of self.
Ever feel that way?
It’s in these moments we need Him most, and in these moments it seems the hardest to reach out to Him.
In that moment we forget the promises. In that moment we forget the intimacy and beauty we have known. All we know is the moment.
And another battle is waged over our souls.
Are we even aware of it?
In these moments, lies invade my mind. Lies attacking my value, my abilities, my very self.
So often I let them take me out, pull me down, drown my spirit.
And even as I know I shouldn’t listen to these voices another voice chimes in and asks, “why?” What tragedy would it be for me to fall into this pit? What am I doing with my life that is so critical that I’m actually a necessary voice in this world?
I look at my mess of a home and I think, “incapable.”
I look at each dream unrealized and I think, “incompetent.”
I look at all I’ve done with my life and I think, “unremarkable.”
Is this the truth of my life?
We can never know, we can never see, how we touch others in their life. We can never know, we can never see, how every word, every action that we take may have touched the world around us.
Because of this, it is so easy to see our lives as invalid.
It is so easy to concede defeat, and live a half life.
But this isn’t how we are meant to live.
So how are we meant to live?
For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:3
My mind stumbles over the verse, one of so many that have found their way into my heart over the years. Is the answer here?
My life, hidden with Christ in God.
The life of Christ is valuable. Invaluable.
But wait, He left us to live His life. He left US to do His work.
My life, hidden with Christ, in God.
And I remember. I am valuable, because I am His. I am even crucial, necessary, because I am His.
Even if I don’t always get everything done, I am still His. Even if my words don’t always reach far, they still reach Him.
And so a burst of strength comes to me, to try, to fight again. And the strength is not mine.
Every time I rely on me I fall, I stumble. And lets face it I rely on me quite often. Will I ever learn?
I look around me, and instead of failures, I see all the love in my life. I know I don’t always get it right, but I have love to give here. I have people I can serve here, lay my life down for today, because my life is not mine, and I have mountains of His love to give.
In that place of depression and despair, the thing I always feel I want most is the validation of another person, the love of another person, but what I need is to give those very things away! Only then do I see that I had love and validation all along!
Where are you today? Do you need to remember where your life, where your love, lies? Are you feeling unlovely and unloved? Are you feeling defeated? Are you feeling unworthy?
You are loved, not for what you do, but for who you are! You are a child of God, and your very life is with Christ.
That, my dearest friend, is validation and purpose of the highest sort.