Trusting Him

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

Have you ever had a dream die?

I remember when I was a young teenager I had so many dreams. I had plans and goals. I had a list of colleges I was looking at, top of the list the idea of going to YWAM’s college of ministry in Kona Hawaii, I would study music and worship and travel all over the world on missions.

But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

It was the dream!

I got a job at a Christian bookstore over the holidays. It was going to be a springboard. I was young and bright and talented and I was going to take over the world.

Then it all came crashing down.

I remember the moment fairly clearly.

I’m sitting in the study, and a face is leaning in the door with the phone:

“The doctor says you have some type of hepatitis. They need to do more bloodwork to find out what kind.”

That summer, the summer I turned sixteen, was full of beautiful memories, but it was also marred by starting on medications that sunk me low. It was also the start of years of second guessing myself. In the course of a very short while I stopped dreaming.

My dreams died.

A season of pain had begun.

But you know, as I look back on it, I see beauty.

Is that odd to you?

Many of the poems I post were birthed out of those next few years. A period of time of difficulty, depression, loss, but also one that drove me to cling to God in a way that I can’t even describe.

There is a painting of my mothers, its of a girl sitting on a rock in the middle of a stormy sea, her hair blowing in the wind, but the Light of God is shining on her, and even in the middle of the storm she is at peace because her hope is in Him. I identified with that painting so much that my mother finally gave it to me.

The world is cyclical. An endless cycle of life and death. We don’t like the death, the pain, but sometimes it is only after going through that pain and death that we can reach life.

The perpetuation of life is dependent on death.

There is a type of tree who’s seeds only open up after a forest fire. The perpetuation of life is dependent on death. Certain plants will never bloom if they don’t experience a frost, the coldness that kills last years growth also signals the growth for a new year.

So many flowers and plants only flourish if you consistently prune them.

Fine metals must be melted down to be refined. Fine gems must be cut for their true beauty to shine forth.

We are like that. We’re a bush that must be pruned, a fine metal that must be melted, a gem that must be cut.

So often we need to walk through death in order to find life.

But we so often cling to all that is being pruned in our lives. We strap ourselves to the dying parts as if that will keep them alive, instead the rottenness simply spreads.

We rebel against the painful journey God is asking us to take. We cling to our dreams and goals and don’t trust Him to know what is best for us. We refuse to walk His path.

If only we could understand.

Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:25

It’s not that He’s trying to rob us. He’s not trying to hurt us or kill us. But so often we destroy ourselves simply through our own attempt to hold onto what is important to us.

I remember a dream that a friend of mine recounted to me years ago. She dreamed that God gave her this beautiful crystal, but as much as she tried she couldn’t hold it. The more she tried to cling to it the more it slipped through her fingers and shattered at her feet. In fact the only way she could protect this beauty He had given her was to give it back into His hands.

We need to let go. Let go of our lives and trust Him. Will trial happen? Yes! But if we trust ourselves to His hands He will use it to refine us. But if we cling? We will only lose what we are clinging to.

Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father glorify your name!” John 12:26-28

We need not fear walking through this journey, because we are not the first to travel it. Christ Himself journeyed through death into life. It was only through His death that life could come.

Do I know what my life holds for me in the future?