Doubt plagues my mind.

Am I a writer? Should I even be trying at this whole blogging thing?

Am I a failure? Do I have a voice that matters?

So many times I fall into the same trap: Judging myself based on how I think the world would judge me, and finding myself wanting.

I’ve often wondered what other people think of me. Do they see me as needy? Weak? Less than?

And then I so often come to the realization that it may be myself that sees me as needy and weak.

To be extremely honest I’d have to recognize that who I am and what I’m like is probably not at the forefront of another persons mind, but it can be at the forefront of my own.

I want so much to be heard and recognized as someone valuable, as a voice that has weight, but in the end it is my own self that has so often judged myself as having to little experience to speak.

Even as I get caught in this spiral of self doubt I know deep down what my problem really is.

I’m asking the wrong questions.

Am I a failure? Does my voice matter? Am I weak? How do people see me?

I. My. Me.

In My own quest for My fulfillment and self-confidence, I’ve turned my eyes inward.

Again.

But so much of me seems to feel like I must ask these questions and have the answers in order to be happy.

Is that true?

What if instead of asking the great cosmos about myself all the time, I turned my eyes outward?

What if, instead of, “Am I a writer?” I asked, “What do they need to hear today? How can I speak hope and write out love for the people, any people, who see my words?”

What if, instead of, “Am I needy?” I ask, “What can I give?” Instead of, “Am I less than?” ask, “How can I show someone else their value?”

Scripture talks about laying down your life daily, picking up your cross. Has it ever crossed your mind that part of doing that is laying down your insecurities?

Don’t mistake this as me being preachy. I’ll confess to you I tend to process things verbally, and today I am writing out my own insecurities here on the screen in front of your eyes.

Yesterday I was talking to my husband, speaking aloud my frustrations with the life that I’ve led so far, the one where I’ve felt stuck and unable to pursue any kind of career, and felt like my lack of ability to earn somehow made me less in the eyes of the world.

After all, isn’t everyone supposed to have a career? My husband certainly needs to earn money, doesn’t that mean I do as well? Isn’t it not fair to make this an expectation of only one of us?

I can even garner scriptural support for any ultra conservative “the woman belongs in the home,” people. Proverbs 31 speaks about an idealized woman, and she invests, runs a business, and earns a sizable income for her household.

You might argue that her spinning and weaving and having a vineyard are all home based businesses, I’ll argue back that in those days almost all businesses were home based, she worked and earned an income.

No matter what anyone may argue, a woman working and earning money is completely scriptural.

But back to my conversation.

I went and I asked my husband my questions, “Aren’t I supposed to have a career?”

His answer? “No.”

Now trust me, I know my husband, and he wasn’t in the “women shouldn’t work,” boat. No, he was speaking to me, specifically, who I am, specifically, and our family, specifically.

He wasn’t saying I couldn’t, or shouldn’t, he was saying I didn’t need to in order to be a fully fledged person, I don’t need a career to validate my existence.

And then he basically told me that I should write my book because if I do it is totally going to be a best seller and make loads of money.

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? How much I appreciate his support and belief in me?

Why do I let all these questions throw me so much?

Well that is easy, I’m asking the wrong person what I am supposed to do. I’m asking me.

I should be asking God.

So let me remind myself now, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, it doesn’t even matter what I think.

And today I choose to ask the questions I really need to ask: Lord how can I serve today? God what do You want me to do? What do You want me to say? What do You want me to write?

Let go of my ego. That is what wants to know all about what people think of me anyway. Let go of my pride.

Focus my eyes and my life on Christ.

Joy Aletheia Stevens