Let me tell you about something called Chronic Fatigue.

It’s real, but it isn’t always diagnosed. Sometimes its caused by medications that are supposed to help you. Sometimes it comes alone. Other times it comes along with things like Chronic Pain, Chronic Depression, or some other Chronic Condition.

Chronic.

Do you know what Chronic means?

It means its always there. In the background. Every day.

You might have good days, those are the days you are able to do what everybody else calls “normal.” Inevitably you judge your whole life by how little “good days” you have. You think: “Why can’t I function like other people?” You judge yourself and find yourself wanting, day, by day, by day. “If I could do it sometimes, doesn’t that mean I can do it all the time?” You say to yourself.

And other people don’t help.

Because you feel every judging look. Every snide comment, comparing you to others who can do more, strikes you right in your heart. Because you, more than anyone, want to be “normal.”

And on those days that you do well, you feel so PROUD of yourself! But your accomplishments are meager by the standards of others, and worth little notice. Generally speaking if someone DOES notice it is only to ask why you can’t operate at this level all the time.

They don’t see you crying at night, so frustrated with yourself and feeling so trapped by your own energy level. They don’t know that every day you have to fight hard not to blame yourself for what you can’t do. The looks, the comments, they don’t help, they hinder.

You start feeling like maybe you shouldn’t even try. After all, no matter how hard you work, it’s never enough. You are always so far behind what others think you should do.

And the assumptions they make are not unheard by you. The assumption of laziness, and idleness. Sometimes you wonder if they are right. Could it be that all of it is in your own head? That you can just “think” your way out? That if you somehow had more discipline or maturity you wouldn’t be this way?

And the truth is, maybe you could, a little. But the fatigue still has its claws in you.

Those closest to you tell you to go take a nap when you say you are tired. Even they don’t really understand. You could sleep all day every day and it wouldn’t make it better. You’ve tried that. You aren’t sleepy. You just simply have no energy.

You find a way to function and you function. You let things slide and it drives you nuts. And then people start saying other hurtful things. Start judging your choices to embrace life and have children when you can’t keep up. Or maybe even assuming that you are going to be one of those people who dump their kids on others. They will wonder why someone who “looks” so healthy and even seems to act healthy juggles with the idea of going on disability. But than you have those who keep asking you why you DON’T go on disability if things are really as hard as you say. You can’t seem to express that that feels like the final defeat. To admit before the whole freaking government that you are somehow “less than” what you should be.

And somehow, not being able to hold down all these things really does make you feel like “less.” Some people seem to judge you based on what you can or can’t earn, as if a persons worth is completely dependent on their ability to earn a paycheck. Others will compare you to people that are “more sick” than you are and claim that if they can earn a living and function than why can’t you?

It makes you feel sick inside.

Defeated.

Lost.

Alone.

And never, ever understood.

“I want to push myself!” you cry! “I want to do all these things you think I should do!”

But they don’t understand that their words are only beating down a person who regularly already beats themselves.

It’s a daily fight.

To except and love self.

To find out the unique place where you can exist and live, and not judge yourself by what everyone else thinks.

And hardly anyone understands.

Even those who understand can’t completely understand.

Because “Chronic Illness” inevitably has hundreds of different faces. And so many of those faces are completely invisible to the world.

I don’t have pain. I’m not undergoing some type of treatment that keeps me in bed all day and makes me feel sick. For the most part, I feel pretty “normal.”

But I can’t keep up.

And its ok.

Because God doesn’t call me to live the life other people think I should live anyway. He only calls me to live the life He asks me to live.

And right at the moment, that means I don’t do as much as other people. I let things slide. I don’t have a job outside the home. Someday I might, but now more than ever I can’t. Why? Because I only have so much energy, and I’d rather spend what I have on my daughter. Don’t ask me to spend it somewhere else and miss her life.

Stay at home moms are judged harshly these days. I feel it all the time. Of course I was feeling the judgment before I was a mom. I’ve had two paying jobs in my life. One I only had for a few weeks over the holidays at fifteen. The other for a couple months or so in my early twenties, I didn’t make it past the probationel period. I haven’t worked outside the home at all since I’ve been married. I’ve been judged for this. I’ve been looked at and found wanting by many eyes.

And you know what?

It hurts.

It’s taken me a long time to accept myself for where I’m at. I don’t want to say I’ll never get a regular job. But let me tell you, I see every day how much I don’t do. It quite often drowns out the voice inside me trying to point out the things I actually accomplish. And if other people commit the crime of comparing me to others and finding me wanting, than I admit I am the worst offender in that regard.

But with God’s help I will learn day by day that He is the only one I need to answer to. Not anyone else, not even me.

Do you know someone who has a Chronic Condition? On their behalf today I have a few requests for you.

Offer a desire for understanding, not judgment.

Offer encouragement, not criticism.

Offer help, not comparison.

Offer Love.

And if you are a person who has a Chronic Condition and could identify with this pouring out from my heart, I say to you, bravo. Bravo for every time you smile, because you could have chosen not to try to embrace joy today. Bravo for every time you drag yourself out of bed when its the last thing you feel even capable of doing. Bravo for every time you get a basic chore done, like doing those stupid dishes. Bravo for every bit of energy you invest in the people around you that they don’t even see or understand. Bravo for every little victory, because they really aren’t so little.

God isn’t asking you to be anyone else. He loves you just like you are. You are not judged by mans yardstick. Hold your head high, because you are valuable.

Thank you for reading.

~Joy Aletheia Stevens

Photo Credit: The Rain by KT King (CC BY 2.0)

Photo Credit: forget about the sunshine when it’s gone  by Meg Wills (CC BY 2.0)  

Photo Credit: Alone by Tri Nguyen (CC BY 2.0)    

Photo Credit: Rain by Mark Sebastian (CC BY-SA 2.0)